The Conversations We Avoid

Some conversations don’t happen out loud…

They happen in our heads.

We rehearse them.
 We replay them.
 We tell ourselves we’ll say something… eventually.

But we don’t.

In this episode, we’re talking about the conversations we avoid—
with our spouse, our kids… and even ourselves.

Not because we don’t care…
 but because we don’t know how they’re going to go.

I share real-life moments from home, the hesitation we all feel, and how the things we don’t say don’t just disappear—they turn into distance.

Distance in relationships.
 Distance in connection.
 Distance in ourselves.

The truth is, most of these conversations aren’t as bad as we think…

But starting them?

That’s the hard part.

If you’ve ever said “I’m fine”… when you weren’t,
 or put off saying something that mattered…

This one’s for you.

🎧 Mostly Me, Occasionally Wise
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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You ever rehearse a conversation in your head, like 10 different versions of that conversation? You say it perfectly, you're calm, you're cool, you're collected, and you even win the argument in your head, but then you actually never have the conversation. Yeah, we've all got those. A husband, working from home, trying to figure out life like everyone else. And in today's episode, we're talking about something real, but not said out loud enough. The conversations we avoid, the ones we replay, rewrite, and keep putting off because we don't know how they're going to go. Before we get into this episode, let's do the weekly dad life debrief. This is where I keep it real. I talk about what's worked, what didn't, and of course, what I'm learning as I go. And this week, this week was WrestleMania week. My wife and I were excited about it. My 13-year-old was kind of meh. Of course, he already had a sleepover plan this weekend, so he was going to be busy anyways, but we were hyping it up to my four-year-old who loves to wrestle with me already. But we wanted to incorporate WrestleMania and Wrestling With Me into the same thing, and he loved it. But, you know, I did produce the WrestleMania 42 episode. That was a lot of fun to produce. I appreciate you guys listening to it. Even though you might have not had the slightest idea on what was going on or what I was talking about, it means a lot for me to get that out there and just kind of talk about what I love and enjoy again, even though it may not be your thing. So this week was a busy week besides WrestleMania week. 13-year-old had soccer practice all week. He had a sleepover Saturday night with a good friend of his. So he was preoccupied. But the big thing I want to I want to talk about as far as how my week went, and this is for all the parents out there. Is there a certain day of the week that your kids just forget who they are and act like cavemen? Because for us in our household, it's Sunday. And for me, Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, a day of peace, a day of calm. It just you relax because on Monday, you know, life gets back into the swing of things. We start getting busy again. People work, you know. I mean, who likes Mondays? I mean, I like Mondays because I'm off, but for normal people who work on Mondays, yeah, it's not the greatest day of the week. But Sundays, for some reason, for my four-year-old and my 13-year-old, they forget who they are and they forget the house they're in because they were disrespectful, they didn't listen, nor did they care. Whose feelings did they that they were going to hurt in this process? So I work every other Saturday, and this weekend was the Saturday I had to work. So Sunday I was sleeping for a little while because if I don't get sleep, I'm a grouch and I'm not fun to be around when I'm a grouch. So I was asleep, but I wake up after a nap and you know, hear how, you know, the four-year-old hasn't been listening. He's been disrespectful. He's been kind of mean with the way he's talking to him. And, you know, the 13-year-old gets home from his sleepover and he's acting the same way. So I have to step in and say, hey, you know, in this house, we don't talk to mom like that. I don't care what you're mad about, I don't care what's bothering you, we don't disrespect mom because she is a contributing person in this household. She provides all of these things, she helped provide all these things, excuse me, and we don't talk to our mom like that. So I did damage control and seen things seemed to have sunk in, but we were still having some issues here and there. Later in the night on Sunday, I had to remind my 13-year-old son that he wasn't going to talk to his mom that way, and I had to kind of be firm with it. And he didn't like that because I he looked right at me and rolled his eyes. And I'm like, bro, if this were the 80s and 90s, your mom would have done something because I wouldn't have touched you. But of course, you know, when I was younger and I would have done that thing, fear would have sat in, I would have levitated off the couch and just taken off to my room. But of course, times have changed. We can't do those kind of things. But I was firm enough and I think I got my point across. But talking about this episode, you know, there was a conversation I had to have with my 13-year-old on Sunday, and it wasn't a tough one for me, but it was awkward for him. And I'm not gonna go into great details on what we want to talk or what we talked about because you know, I don't if he's listening, I don't want to embarrass him. And but I'll give you the the gist of it. It was about relationships with girls, the do's and don'ts, and things like that. And it wasn't awkward for me, like I said, because I've lived it, you know, and I kind of know what I'm talking about a little bit when it comes to that kind of stuff, because he does a lot of the same things I did when I was his age. And so we had to have that conversation, and midway through, he was on his little hoveround or whatever it's called with the two wheels. I forgot what they're called. I get teased all the time because I call them a hoveround, but he started spinning in circles, and I'm like, dude, you gotta stop spinning in circles because I feel like you're not listening to me. And of course, he was like, Well, this is how I listen, and I'm like, wrong, this is not how you listen. When you're spinning in circles or you're not looking at the person in the face, it makes him think that, hey, you aren't listening, nor do you care what they're saying. So I had to redirect a little bit. We had the awkward conversation, and I think some things stuck with him. You don't really know with teenagers, and so yeah, it was it was an awkward conversation for him, but it wasn't for me because, like I said, I've lived through it, and you know, hey, I am dad, and regardless of what my teenage kid thinks, I I I I do know I knew I do know a thing or two about relationships. But if I'm being honest, I'm I'm still figuring it all out. I'm still learning when to speak up, when to listen, honestly, just when to be present, and there's no perfect formula. And if someone says that they have the perfect formula, they're lying. They are they are being completely untruthful, and you don't need that person in your life. So let's get into this episode. Let's talk about why we avoid conversations. We don't avoid conversations because we don't care, we avoid them because we care too much. And you know, we we don't want to hurt someone, we don't want to be misunderstood, we don't want to open something we don't know how to close, we don't want to start an argument, we don't want to hurt feelings. All of these things come into mind when it comes to having a conversation that can be tough, that can be, you know, awkward, it can be potentially damaging to a relationship. So we wait. We think, I'll bring it up later. Now's not right, not now's not the right time. You know, and and this is one that I say a lot when I'm when I'm battling internally with having a conversation. It's probably not that big of a deal. And of course, my wife reassures me after we have the conversation that, you know, it is a big deal because it's something that bothers me or it's something that's weighing heavy on my heart. And and you know, it's me saying it's not that big of a deal, it's it's not it's not the right thing to do because it is a big deal. And because the longer you avoid it, the heavier it gets. So, real quick, have you ever avoided a conversation so long that it feels weird to even bring it up? Like it happened days ago, and and now you're like, yeah, I I've missed that window, I've missed that opportunity. And instead of saying something, you just carry it around like a mental backpack. And if we're if we're being real, one of the biggest places this shows up is right at home. I mean, let's be honest, some of the hardest conversations do happen at home, whether with your spouse, you know, something small happened, not big enough to argue about, but big enough to stick, like it stays with you. Maybe it's a comment, maybe it's a tone. And instead of saying, hey, that kind of bothered me, you kind of just move on. You sit there watching TV, scrolling your phone, acting normal, but in your head, you're replaying it like a film study, breaking it down, thinking about what you should have said, and later she asks, Are you good? And you hit her with yeah, I'm fine. And if you're married and you've been married long enough, you know, and she knows that you're not being honest. And with you being honest or being dishonest and not talking about what's bothering you, those are two explosive elements that usually lead to an argument. And I struggle in this department because like I said before, I struggle with the fact that okay, is you know, with something bothering me this much, is it that big of a deal? Is it really, you know, is it worth having a debate about? Is it is it worth potentially hurting someone's feelings over, you know? And yeah, so I wear my expressions on my face a lot, and my wife knows me like a book and I laugh about it because it's funny. And usually once or twice a week, I have moments like this. Like it's usually because of something that was said by one of my kids, or it's because of something I'm thinking, or it may even be sometimes because of the way she came across. And I'll just like, yeah, okay. Let me let me let me let me ponder on this because I'm a ponderer when it comes to anything in life. I have to think because if I try to react without thinking, it doesn't go well with anybody, or it doesn't go well for anybody either. So I ponder, and at that point, I'm like, okay, did I miss my window? And is it even worth it? And then of course she notices I'm being quiet. I'm not as animated, and I'm not as, you know, you know, lively as I you I was a few minutes ago. She'll hit me with the are you good? You okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. And she like shoots me with that side eye. So any married man or you know, or woman that has to deal with this, you know, you know the look when you you know respond with, yeah, I'm fine, I'm good, nothing's bothering me. And she shoots you with that shot, that side eye, you're like, oh bro, she knows, she knows, and it's just better just to get it off your chest and get it out of the way because it's not going to end well for anyone. But it's not just the conversations with our spouses. Some of the ones that matter the most are the ones we have or or we don't have with our kids. And this one hits different with me because as a dad, you know there are conversations you need to have. You know, with my 13-year-old, there are times I think I should really check in on him. Not about school, not about chores, but just real stuff, like, hey, what's been on your mind lately? Or how are you actually doing? Because I notice in his mannerism, the way he's doing things, the way he's he's not talking, or or the attitude of receiving, something's up. And try not to pry. So a lot of times I wait for the right moment, but there isn't one when it comes to checking in on your teenager. So you kind of just have to throw yourself out there. But of course, I'm always hesitant because I'm like, okay, what am I gonna be met with? It could be that it's just gonna be a one-word conversation, could be met with nothing at all, or he may surprise me and you know, actually open up. But a lot of times I'm met with one-word answers, or I'm not met with anything at all. So I'm hesitant there because out of the millions of times that I've asked how he's doing, besides just schoolwork and things like, you know, insurance and things like that, I I don't get a response back because for him, those kind of conversations are awkward. And so, you know, I could be it could be a random car ride or it can be sitting in the same room. You know, I still hesitate because I don't want to make it awkward. I don't want to push too hard. And sometimes it breaks my heart. I let that moment pass and I end up shooting myself in the foot. But of course, with my 13-year-old, we've realized, and I've talked about this in the past episodes, he is more comfortable talking to mom than he is with me. So a lot of times I let mom handle that, and mom comes to me, and of course, if you know, he needs that male guidance, I'll step in. But, you know, he, like I said before in the past, he's a mama's boy, and I would much rather him talk to talk to mom about things than to hold it in and and for him to think that what he has to say isn't important because it is. Everything my 13-year-old has to say is important, and it means something to us. His opinion matters, whether we may not agree with it or it may not be the right one. Everything that my son is doing and thinking and wants to say is important. So now we have the four-year-old. And of course, with the four-year-old, it's not about deep conversations. He just wants me to look at something for the 50th time, you know, dad, watch this, dad, look. And I'll say sometimes, hold on, buddy, one second. And it's because I'm I'm finishing something, or I, you know, I'm trying to, you know, sign into some things at work, or, you know, as bad as this may sound, I may be checking something out on the TV or trying to listen to something that's on the radio. And because I'm finishing something or doing something, the moment passes. He's moved on, and I sit there thinking, man, that was a moment that I let slip. Now, granted, I'm human, and you know, we all are. We all make these mistakes, but this one stings because, you know, I know I'm involved with my kids' lives. I know that I try really hard at it, and it's always little moments like this that sting the worst. Because it may have not have been a big conversation. He could have been showing me the color of an alligator on a video he was watching on YouTube, and it didn't, it may have not have mattered to me at that moment, but it mattered to him because with kids at that age at four-year-old, at four years old, they just want to be involved in everything that you do. So, parents, just take notice of this. If your kid is wanting to show you something for the 50th thousandth time, just stop. Take a moment, take a look. Because again, it may not mean a lot to you. It means something to them because they want more than anything to be involved in your life and be included in whatever is going on in that moment. And then, of course, there's one conversation we avoid more than any other conversation, and that's the honest conversation with ourselves. It's late at night. So for me, it usually occurs late at night when everything's quiet, the kids are asleep, the house is still, and my brain starts asking, Am I doing enough? Am I being the dad I want to be? Am I being present or just here? You know, am I doing the the right things to make my wife happy? I mean, I I get I get deep sometimes. But of course, instead of answering these questions, I grab my phone, I turn on something on the TV, or I'll start playing a video game to distract myself. Because conversations like that are probably the most uncomfortable conversations because you you know deep down inside the truth. And sometimes that truth can hurt. And avoiding those conversations with yourself, it matters. And uh, ooh. Like, you know, I was thinking earlier in the gym. I do a lot of thinking in the gym. I know, and and I know I'm not the only one, you know, when I'm lifting weights. And sometimes getting into deep thoughts about, you know, what I should be doing today, or did I handle this conversation with my son on Sunday? Yes, I'm still beating myself up on that conversation. You know, maybe I should have approached things differently with him. And of course, the the biggest, you know, the question I ask myself a lot when it comes to my 13-year-old, like I said, is is he listening? And so in the gym, I start thinking about these things and I forget my rep. I like I forget what set I'm on, or and that's the biggest thing is forgetting, you know, where I'm at as far as my workout. So I have to stop and think, and I'm like, ugh, you know, a lot of times you try to take time out to think about those conversations, but a lot of times your mind's just like, bro, we're gonna do this right here, we're gonna do this right now, I don't care what you're doing, whemo! And it gets stuck in your head and it just throws everything else off. So you have to stop and try to answer the question, or you try to turn the music up, or sometimes just do something to tune it out. But here's the one part that that honestly surprises me the most, and it and it's the crazy part. Most of the conversations we avoid, they're not as bad as we think, they're not as bad as we make them out to be. Yeah, they're awkward. Yeah, they're uncomfortable, but more often than not, they lead to understanding, they they lead to clarity, they they they lead to relief, to peace, you know, all of these magical things that you just want in your life. Sometimes it leads to even connection. And you walk away thinking and sometimes beating yourself up, thinking, why didn't I just say that sooner? Why didn't I just throw this out there? Because I was so afraid of the potential outcome that I conjured up in my head, and when in reality it wasn't that bad of a conversation at all. And I do this a lot. So the real question becomes how do we actually start? You know, you you don't need the perfect words. Most of the time it sounds like this might not come out right, but or I've been thinking about this, but something, you know, there's something on my mind and it may hurt it may hurt your feelings, but it's always the butt thing and it's funny. The butt statements, they're real, look 'em up. But you know, sometimes that's just enough. Because the real conversations don't sound perfect, they sound honest. And when you just take that leap of faith and just throw it out there, throw caution to the wind, that's where it all comes together. You know, sometimes the conversations we avoid, they they don't go away. They turn into distance, distance in your marriage, distance with your kids, sometimes distance within yourself. And that distance, it doesn't happen all at once. It happens slowly, one unspoken conversation at a time. So here's the question I'll leave you with. What's the one conversation you've been putting off? Not five, not ten, not even fifteen, just that one conversation. And what would happen if you actually stopped waiting for the perfect moment and just started it? Not perfectly, but just honestly. And before you go, if this episode hit home for you, I'd love to hear about it. You can connect with me over the Facebook page, mostly me occasionally wise, or if you've got a story, a thought, or even a conversation you've been avoiding, shoot me an email at mostlymecontact at gmail.com because I'd love to hear it. And honestly, this isn't just my podcast, it's ours. And if you know someone who needs to hear this one, go ahead and share it with them. I'll catch you next Wednesday. And remember to stay mostly you occasionally, wise,